At Heart I'm Still a Kid

Being an adult means something different to everyone and the way that their life goes will decide when and what will make them become a true adult. In this way it is portrayed that even though Paul is in the war now he is still not an adult in the beginning of All Quiet on the Western Front written by Erich Remarque.
War can make a boy into a man but at what point does this take place if they come into the war a child. Going into the war at the age of eighteen Paul is pulled away from his family even though he thinks he is now a man the way that he acts proves differently. When his friend gets the chance to take shoes a man would do the thing that would make him a better fighter and take the shoes, whereas a child would figure it was theirs and wouldn’t take them. When they are discussing the shoes his friend decides “Were Kemmerich able to make any use of the boots, then Müller would rather go bare-foot over barbed wire than scheme how to get hold of them”. These types of child like ideas and behaviors happen all through the beginning of the book and will slowly morph into adult behaviors and ideas. When he talks about being full he uses the word “bellies” which automatically makes the reader believe that he is a child even at the age of 18. Along with this a behavior that happens is the behaviors like sitting in a circle with his friends at lunch for a picnic makes the reader believe that he is a young boy if he would have not said how old he was. The way that this idea is shown is that almost every page there is something that only children say, do or think. Since Paul may not be able to become an adult truly until after this war by the end he will be able to decide what it re

I can

I can smile
I can frown
I can feel beautiful
I can feel ugly
I can be confident
I can be insecure
I can tell the truth
I can tell a lie
I can act like a friend
I can act like an enemy
I can love you
I can hate you
I can overcome
I can fear
I can be who ever I want to be

Do they know?

Do they know?
I walk around with a smile on my face
I look happy 
Do they know?
I know I'm not actually always happy but no one knows that 
I wonder if they can see through my smile
No they can't do that 
I can't even tell when I'm hiding my smile sometimes
But what if they can tell
They look at me and know 
They know I'm faking my smile
They know what is really going on
They know.

Hell

Out the window lies the world
I’m trapped in this little room for eternity
I didn’t mean to lie
I was going to tell the truth
But I couldn’t
A lie was so much easier to say
Moving along the wall
The window disappears
Blackness start to surround me
Fog slowly seeps in from the cracks of the door
The real world has never seemed so far away
As the fog leaks in it makes the room hotter
My head is burning along with the rest of me
Sparks of light appear as I flip the switch
I’m falling further into this new world
Pieces of my pants start to ignite
The fire spreads slowly
Up my body to the end
It is burning me alive
Why did I have to try to defy?
Why did I have to lie?
Why do I have to die?
This is what it has come to
Burning my skin slowly the fire reaches my neck
I’m dying right here and now
Being sucked into hell for all of eternity
I’m gone

The Fight With Perfection

Authors note: This is inspired by the first 3 chapters of Jelkyl and Hyde where the lawyers fights with perfection and that made me think of today and just how the fight is still there. The quote i was inspired by is in italics and is how the whole thing starts off.

It is the mark of a modest man to accept his friendly circle ready-made from the hands of opportunity; and that was the lawyer’s way. To have no problems or secrets to hide forcing one to not be able to perform at full potential; and that was the lawyer’s way. Being what everyone expected and nothing away from the ordinary; that was the lawyer’s way. What if the lawyer’s way isn’t how one lives? What if secrets are eating away at the inside but cannot be let out until the end? Can you still be a lawyer then? Society has the definition of what perfection is and the line between perfect and wrong has no space in between. One is either perfect or not. In the end no one falls on the perfect side but, this stops no one from keeping up with the fight with perfection because this is what we are told we need to be even if it is achieving the impossible. Should this picture of perfection allow someone to give up only because they can’t achieve this impossible picture? Face it. When you think of certain thing then you automatically get this picture of what you believe is perfect. For example I need: longer hair, bigger boobs, a better boyfriend, more friends, better grades, more money, prettier face, cuter clothes, skinnier body and then I would be perfect. But, in reality this will never happen because it is the impossible. The words that appear the most are more, better, bigger, and smaller which these words ruin lives just so that people can be “perfect”. Why do we need to be perfect? Why do we live by what society tells us we need to be? Why?

The Smile

Sleeping in peace lays a special grandmother
A smile is formed with her lips pressed together softly
The sun warms the room and the smell of spring is present
Her sole granddaughter sits silently by her side
She smiles with a sweet look on her face of affection and concern
She is surrounded by loved ones throughout the sunlight of the day
The smiles filling the room speak a million words soundlessly
The room is filled with silence through the hours
Only a soft beep disrupts the beautiful silence
When the beep sounds the granddaughter with the smile will find a nurse
She knows they are doing their best to keep her grandmother comfortable
She never utters a word of complaint that day just smiles the whole time
The smile on the grandmother’s lips stays there forever through any situation
That night she sleeps with no disturbance happily with a smile and succeeds to slight health
She shifted positions and now looked even more comfortable and at peace then before
There she will live out the last of her days with the same smile
Her last words to her lone granddaughter will be filled with sweetness
The words were six simple words, “I love you” and “You are beautiful”
Six simple words that mean the world to this young girl
Six simple words she will remember forever
Silently she passes away still smiling with her husband at her side
He will not cry but will smile to see that she is going to a new place
A new place that she is in no pain
A new place where he will join her when the time comes
A new place where her smile will fill the air

The Criminal in Auschwitz

The still warm barrel of the gun was pressed firmly against the center of the trembling skin of his forehead. The criminal, barely 8, had marks from tears running down his face. He muttered words but they all became blurred as my head was spinning I knew I needed to shoot the little boy but I couldn’t. His features were stereotypical of a Jew- the large hooked nose, pursed lips, small forehead from which his long, dark hair was infested with lice, fell around his ears which had cuts and bruises on them to his tattered shirt three sizes too big for him. He wore minimal facial hair because of his age; his eyes filled to the brim with tears still with a terrified and sad expression which one would expect with one who had a gun placed on his head.
Taking a deep breath the small boy exclaimed in small sentences taking short breathes in between each fragment “I’m Yoni. My sister. Sarah’s sick. The food. It was for her. I had too. She was going to die. She needed food. Please. Don’t kill me.”
Slowly his eyes welled up letting a single tear fall down his precious tiny face and shimmered in the sun while a shot rang out. I can’t do this. All he did was take some food for his baby sister. I had to make sure that he was the one who stole the food but I was positive it was him from what he had just blurted out. This is a legitimate reason to steal food; if I was him I would have done the same thing. It seemed as if the whole world stopped; the snow paused in mid-air. All of the other soldiers froze along with all the Jews who worked until their deaths. The snow would fall on the dead bodies causing them to freeze; this would be the fate of Yoni and many others today. Unlike in the summer the bodies now looked beautiful in the winter glistening in the cold. It still brings me pain every time I see a new corpse knowing that they died for no reason. I kept the gun placed on his head so that he would not run away even though that is what I wanted to happen. Run away. Run away. Run away. Please. He was only a young boy trying to take the place of his father to keep his sister safe. He hadn’t mentioned anything about a mother I’m sure he’d lost her already.
I spoke quietly making it seem like I was about him kill him, honestly I was just trying to kill time saying “Where is your mother?”
Quietly with fear, pain and agony he spoke after a great deal of thought “She got shot for stealing food for my sister.”
I paused shutting my eyes for a moment and the muscles in my arms tensed as I pulled the trigger. Again I took a slow shallow breath and paused before bringing the trigger all the way down. I don’t want to do this. I have to for my family’s fate. If I don’t do this then my family will be dead and it will be my fault. He was just trying to save his sister. The shot causes my ears to ring as I keep my eyes shut knowing I couldn’t look at the body now lying at my feet. Slowly I opened my eyes as slow as possible looking past the ground. Yoni. He was running through the courtyard with his sister perched on his back. I stand in complete awe as my mouth relaxes and a slight smile appears as I see his escape. Snow still falls as he escapes I don’t stop him because this is what I wanted in the first place.
I can’t believe he escaped in the mere moments I shut my eyes. He will be shot for sure but at least now I don’t have to shoot him. I stopped for a second watching him as he gracefully ran to the fence. I take a few more seconds until I ran him yelling “Fuck!” If they find out I didn’t shoot him my family is dead and it will be all my fault.
My aching legs gave no pause for thought before they beat the ground forcefully with long, forward strides, bringing me to the fence. At once everything was no longer still and everyone watched as I sprinted towards the fence. My family’s life depended on me getting to that boy to kill him even if that meant killing his sister too. As I got within fifty feet of the fence I see the Yoni and Sarah climb steps over the fence. A staircase-that is built with great craftsman-is ahead of me appearing out of nowhere. They look as if they belong in a mansion not on a concentration camp. As they get to the top I see people dressed in all white gowns and little crowns atop their heads leading them away from this hell called Auschwitz. They will be able to live without the fear of being shot or not have enough of anything.
I turned seeing a fellow soldier yell, “What the hell are you looking at the fence for?”
Looking at the soldier for that single second caused me to lose sight of the steps vanishing along with the boy and his sister.
Breaking down I stutter out landing firmly on my knees “My families going to die.”
I dragged my body back to my feet roaming at most a mile per hour; meandering back until I stumble upon 2 dead bodies both small in size.
Yoni and Sara Sheer are dead; their bodies lie with bullet holes in their heads; lie softly above the snow covered ground next to the living quarters of the Jews in Auschwitz.